Week 9 – The Three-And-Fives

(Cue the Wellerman Sea Chanty tune)

There once were a band of managers keen,
With fantasy drafts, keepers, and trades.
They studied stats and scoured the news,
To make their lineup, no time to lose.

Soon may the weekend come,
bring us points and wins and fun,
Sunday, when the matchup is won,
We’ll celebrate and go.

Well, Charles had a strategy so bold,
Plays the waiver wire, fearless and cold,
They look at the matchups and grin with a nod,
Their lineup’s set, ready to shock and awe.

Soon may the weekend come,
Victories sweet and losses numb,
One day, when the season is done,
We’ll draft anew and go.

Now Chris he plaid with trades so sly,
Swapping players under the other’s eye,
With sleepers and steals he craft his team,
Hoping to realize their championship dream.

Soon may the weekend come,
bring us points and wins and fun,
Sunday, when the matchup is won,
We’ll celebrate and go.

There’s Jared with hope, a beacon so bright,
His team’s on the field, but not quite in the fight,
Each week’s a promise, “This time, we’ll soar!”
Yet Monday night tells the tale of the score.

Behold there’s Seth, atop the league he reigns,
With a record so fierce, in victory he’s chained,
We all chase his shadow, his cool and his might,
His team’s a Goliath, we’re mere Davids in fight.

Now may the fantasy crown lay in sight,
With dreams of glory and bragging rights,
One day, when the season concludes its roam,
We’ll toast the victor and sail for home.

Hoo-ah!

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and this is its podcast.

Week 7 – That’s Against Our Policy

As the Squish Factor™ celebrates big wins in Week 6, League Managers scaffold their dry and dusty line-ups amid the bye-week drought of Week 7.

T&R welcomes to the pod a special guest who quickly violates our NDA, Non-Compete, and Indemnification clauses simultaneously. Too bad he’s more lawyered up than any of us.

The trade block reeks of desperation while the league scrambles to record-manage, both in near-term crisis and long-term outlook, and the relentless sands of time fall heavy and daunting through the cold, heartless hourglass that is our fate.

Could we be more dramatic? No, no we could not.

It’s the greatest fantasy league in the world, and THIS is its podcast.

 

Week 5 – Airing Our Dirty Laundry

Just in time for the first cold front of fall, league managers scramble to patch their rosters as Week 5 ushers in the first bye-week blast of the season.

Team Rankings continue to squish as this week’s lineup offers a monster head-to-head matchup amidst the mostly pithy slap-fights. And yet, as the wise Bobby Hill once said via his All-American athlete ventriloquist dummy, Chip, “a W’s a W anyway you get it.”

And as Bobby’s dad Hank poetically added, “my son plays with dolls. There, I said it.”

Chip is right, and every W matters. But with a bone-dry waiver wire and a cooling trade-block, who will get lucky enough to secure the next win? The dice have been rolled.

Good thing we have fall baseball, with its two fantastic teams—and subsequently, some dirty laudry—to distract us.

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and this is its podcast.

 

 

Week 4 – For Whom The Bell Tolls

Surprising Squish has arrived early as Week 4 begins with no team better than 2-1, mostly due to narrow wins and the bad beats brought by happenstance the schedule.

League chatter is lively as waiver activity and trades abound, the latter including significant (but not unequivocal) exchange.

Those with winning records look to increase their margins, while the rest seek a shift in momentum as Week 4 flirts — nay, whispers — of those dreaded, irrecoverable rankings, whose eerie voices can be faintly perceived on the distance but approaching wind. While it’s not quite do-or-die, for some, it’s certainly time to get busy livin’.

Any manager’s loss diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind;
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and this is its podcast.

Week 2 – There’s A Small Possibility We Might Have Been Mistaken

It’s Week 2 in the (P)Ellwood Fantasy Football League, and in addition to learning the P is silent, Week 1 was chock full of surprises. Namely, we were wrong.

Wrong about everything.

Our draft grades? Wrong.

Week 1 predictions? Wrong-o.

Power Rankings? Not even close.

But look. As stated in our fine print, T&R is for entertainment purposes only. Not to sound defensive here, but what do you want from us? I mean, we put ourselves out there, week after week, ya know? We take risks in front of a global audience! (Probably).

And for what? To be told “you’re wrong and stupid”?! Well, PARDON US, MISTER PERFECT! I GUESS WE FORGOT THAT YOU NEVER MAKE A MISTAKE.

 

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and this is its podcast.

The 2023 Draft Report

Now, here on this ragged patch of earth called the Draft Lobby, hordes face obliteration.

A-ooh!

Just there the barbarians huddle, sheer terror gripping tight their hearts with icy fingers — knowing full well what merciless horrors they suffered at the swords and spears of the 12.

A-ooh!

The enemy outnumber us a paltry 11 to 1; good odds for any Greek. This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny, and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine.

Give thanks, men, to the Ellwood Fantasy Football League, and the brave 12.

A-ooh! A-ooh! A-ooh!

To victory.

 

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and this is its podcast.

The 2023 Pre-Draft

Alright alright alright!

It’s the final countdown as we mighty men emerge from hibernation and step out into the sunny rays of fantasy football. That’s right, the 2023 Draft is upon us.

Like the morning dawn, the season ahead offers bright promise and hopeful future. Anything is possible, and much is expected. The 2022 season offers a plethora of narratives waiting to be redeemed, and never before has our league champion(s) and incumbency carried such asterisk. The stage is truly set for opportunity.

But to thrive, one must survive. So shake off the cobwebs, lick the wounds, and polish your past accolade trophies to a shine. Clinging desperately to the shadow of your former glory may be all that you have left.

And of course, “do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage, against the dying of the light.”

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and this is its podcast.

 

 

The Playoffs – Round 1

And then there were six.

Six fierce competitors sit in the coveted seats of the 2022 Playoff Bracket, each with formidable chances of a successful run. And while their victories may be short-lived, their 2023 “incumbent” status and badge of honor is secure — and that can’t be taken away. So here’s to you, gentlemen. Enjoy the spoils, for this Sunday, we dine in hell.

If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you’re already dead.

And to our fallen comrades, those Unfortunate Six who sit below the line of the success and dignity: we salute you, for soon, five of us will join you. Your failures remind us all why we play, why we fight, why we sacrifice — to not be like you. Thank you.

And to all the mighty managers of the Pellwood Fantasy Football League, may the fantasy gods have mercy on our souls. Currahee.

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and THIS is its podcast.

 

Week 8 – The Oh-and-Sevens

A chaotic wind blows as the league is wrought with statistical anomaly. We teeter on Squish Factor™ while not one—but two—teams have yet to claim a win on the eve of Week 8.

How is that even possible, you might ask? How could two talented managers, each with the medals to prove their own chops, have such a record?? Forget skill—how is it even statistically possible?

Exceedingly rare though it may be, it is a reality that once again proves what we all know to be true about our league: we are a special snowflake.

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and THIS is its podcast.

 

 

Week 5 – The Debate

Tensions are high as the League faces an existential crisis: the reckoning of variable draft dollars and its implications this season and beyond.

In this episode, two mighty managers square off in public discourse — the kind that reminds us the value of democratic process, respectful dispute, open forum, and constructive debate for the greater good.

Just kidding, it’s a blood bath.

The free-for-all melee has begun, and the night will be darkest before the dawn. In the midst of the madness, let us all remember (and agree upon) one critical and universal truth:

Rules. They’re what separate us from the animals.

It’s the greatest fantasy football league in the world, and THIS is its podcast.